Stay or Go: Following Fears vs. Impulses

Posted on Friday, February 6, 2015

So many teachers and teachings tell us that we should stay the course in romantic relationship. When a career, employment or family of origin situation is bad, we’re often encouraged to make a change. However, in romantic relationship, often what we hear is that we simply need to use the tools. More and better. Read, practice, and get support. Recommit.

As a matchmaker, sometimes I see that too. There is a great risk that we’ll choose the same type of partner and challenges the next time, since that’s who we’ve been attracted to and what we know.

And I’m now a clear stand that sometimes there is a simpler, friendlier and even better way.

A few months ago, my partner and I split up. We had been working on ourselves and our relationship for a long time. We were growing, and we had great support. We were using lots of really good tools. Sure, there were times when we weren’t, when we’d forget, when we’d try to work on each other, when we’d unconsciously believe relationship “work” had to be hard… And we’d recommit to creating ease, to seeing each other as allies, to playing and expanding – and we did that.

In some ways our breakup was a surprise, and in so many ways it also wasn’t.

And the biggest gift of our breakup for me was the surprise I felt at how much ease and joy and clarity we both had in the days and weeks right after we broke up. It became so obvious so quickly that we were so much better off apart.

We both had not realized how much we’d been compromising ourselves in so many ways for so long. We were not following our impulses but questioning them. For example, my partner was having trouble sleeping – in hindsight, it was because her body did not want to be laying next to mine! But we kept thinking she needed to change something about her sleeping behavior. And I kept turning away from her symbolically and literally – and I ignored that I really wanted to go a different direction! Instead we believed I needed to recommit to seeing her as my ally and be willing to connect.

Over the first days and weeks after our breakup, we both felt so free. We changed many things about how we were living. We both slept better and breathed more easily. We engaged other people, life and work in many ways we’d been holding back.

I feel no regret about breaking up. I’m thrilled for all the growth we did together. I still love my ex as the beautiful human she is, we’re still in community together, and we’re appreciating our differences.

I realized I had been confusing my impulses (of wanting to move apart) with believing I felt scared – that I was wanting to avoid contact and choosing to run away (Flee) or that I was blaming her (Fight) for things. [Click here to learn more about the 4 Fears.]

In hindsight, I believe I felt angry – I did not want how we were together. And I did feel scared – but about breaking up, about imagined judgments from others (in consciousness community), about losing a great opportunity with her (with a partner doing the same consciousness work/play as me) – basically, I felt scared about breaking up from unconscious motives rather than conscious motives.

And I never explored that fear.

I suspect that if I had, that I might have tapped in earlier with the sadness I felt underneath about how things were, about how I was. This was definitely coming up to the surface when we did break up.

So I’m an even bigger stand now for blurting fears – what if X, what if Y – and playing with all of what arises. And I’m an even bigger stand for scanning my WHOLE body for sensations and impulses – not just focusing on whichever are loudest (for me this was various sensations of fear, and I was ignoring sensations of sad and angry).

Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh, what a great set of lessons to learn. And I love my single-and-dating, choosing-how-I-want-to-live, exploring-and-discovering life that I’ve created now.

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